I am. I am. I am.

It's pretty fucking cold outside, and everything's a shade of grey. It's one of those days. It's been one of those days since quiet a few days now. You know why I buy vintage comics and the batman fugitive collection ? (Because, yes the graphics are pretty awesome and I am possibly a nerd) but mainly because i simply feel safe with the company of fictional superheroes because I don't see any heroes in real life. Not trying to be a sour puss, but it's just one of the grey days.

Overwhelming. Isn't it ? when you have more feelings and imagination than common sense. I'm a crooked tree. (refer to quote by Tom Waits).

Infuriating news: A 98 year-old German woman named Irena Sendler recently died(2008). During WWII, Irena worked in the Warsaw Ghetto as a plumbing/sewer specialist. Irena smuggled Jewish children out; infants in the bottom of the tool box she carried and older children in a burlap sack she carried in the back of her truck. She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers wanted nothing to do with the dog, and the barking covered the kids’ and infants’ noises. Irena managed to smuggle out and save 2500 children. She eventually was caught, and the Nazis broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar buried under a tree in her backyard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived and reunited some of the families. Most had been killed. She helped those children get placement into foster family homes or adopted.

Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. She was not selected. Al Gore won - for a fucking slide show on Global Warming.

3 words. FUCK YOU CRITIQUES.

this is why one must never let one's work be judged by 'critiques', no matter how brilliant, or how fucking noble it is (ode to Irena), they're all a bunch of money hungry dogs. Just sayin'.

Lately, everyones got a solid opinion about how my life should play out ahead. I let those words fly over my head like pointless birds. Cause, (imagine) if you end up leading a boring miserable life, because you listened to your mother, father, or priest or the guy on the television telling you to get your shit together, then you very well fucking deserve it.

There's way too much at stake to let anyone else make decisions for you. To let anyone change the way you would approach a situation. It's too much to ask, too much to do. Because if you fuck up, you still end up having to pay for it . If I fuck up, at least I shall do so due to my own decisions.

" But somewhere I'll survive,
to make you feel alive,
so you could all reload,
your dreams and all your hopes.

I had too many lives,
 I did it to survive,
so I killed myself today " - second life replay.(soundtrack of our lives)

(inspired writing of the day)

I frown all the time,
these creases these lines,
 they mark a thought, all day long I think of things,
 I will grow insane if I can't stop and pacify,
 guidance assistance, I will never seek,
I frown upon the world today.

I wish I could see like you,
 maybe it wouldn't be spiraling downwards then,
 are you any good ? are you here to stay ?
 share your vision like a visionary, be of some assistance, wont you.

Everyone's looking for some place safe,
some one to feel safe with,
the creases mark my face,
the thought of the spirals, leaves me unsafe.
 I can't find a safe place to be,
spiraling in limbo.
 Here I am.
             - Tan( Me) 22.2.2011 (relax, its just a fucking grey day)

pictures of the day:

we all pretend. a lot.

Damn straight. Only after being subconscious are you truly conscious.

still from The great dictator- gotta love chaplin there.

Share a little.

there is a giant hippo on my head at all times, i named it 'useless thoughts'.

“”

The last, but the most important picture, (thats the art work there) mediums used- illustration board, ink and water and fine liners. Point being, the legendary Sylvia Plath said " I may never be happy, but tonight I am content ".  Pushes you a step closer to being happy. Which is the ultimate goal. I'd rather be happy listening to duran duran/ Gus black/rolling stones sitting on the sidewalk than sit pointlessly with misery engulfing me in a mansion.

One last thing. " I took a deep breath and listened to the bray of my heart: I am. I am. I am." - Ode to Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, 1963.